Last Morning in Nicaragua

I apologize I suck at Blogging. What I am entering below is a letter I wrote to my supervisor, I had to write it because my evaluations were not nearly as articulate as I would have liked, I think I just wrote them when I was in a mood- it happens.

I think the letter synthesises my experience pretty well, but feel free to e-mail me and ask me questions or leave comments.
Once again I apologize for keeping you all waiting until my experience here was over.


Sent: Monday, November 26, 2007 11:44 PM
Subject: What I didn't say

Hey Jenny,

Here are my thoughts now that I've had more time and I'm not in Chaguitillo anymore...
My experience in Chaguitillo Nicaragua was actually quite amazing, yet, it involved a great deal of personal struggle.
I had to battle my ideas of efficiency. I had to learn to be okay with one of the things that I love the most about Chaguitillo; Es tan tranquilo. This slow pace contradicted theway I have been 'programmed' to function in the USA, alla everything is based on being the most efficient and doing as much as you can, not necessarily the most, but as much as is possible, and I always felt that the hours I spent sitting on the porch were de balde. But I just didn't know and it took me a really long time to learn that it is okay to slow down and not run at full speed all the time. The "American" standards that I couldn't help but bring along with me were simply inapplicable in the world in which I was living in Chaguitillo. I just wished I'd learned to be happy with the small, few tasks I completed- sooner.
The largest obstacle I faced was myown way of thinking and while I still struggle with whether I was'successful' according to some impersonal standard the success is veryobvious on a human-personal level. It comes in the voices of all my niños de la calle gritando "adios molly" as as I walk past. My success is in Ana's tears, and my invitation to the third year despedida, in their knowing how to pronounce English well enough to introduce themselves in front of a group of people. It is also in the library, a small room with six bookshelves ofbooks that which are seldom opened because when Chaguitillo is between volunteers there is no one to be there to unlock the door and read or at pictures with the kids.I learned to accept that if you want to live in a small community you have to accept the huge amount of interdependence that comes with it especially in Nicaragua where they have so few disposable resources and sharing,whether you're sharing food, knowledge, or just your attention is very powerful.

Also;

You asked me to think back to who I was and what my goals were as I was applying to ICADS nearly a year ago.

Molly Gates last December:
First semester in college, was dying in her Spanish classes, hating school, anddidn't want to go back to college. I told my self then that the only way I would go back was if I could study abroad because I wouldn't be in the classroom and would be doing something 'worthwhile'. The service projectaspect of ICADS was what sold me on the program, if it hadn't been a part of the program I would not have applied. My goals were to volunteer some whereI could be of use, and I would be able to improve my Spanish for whoever I decided to go back to school. The thing was I was feeling very overwhelmed by the courses I took and realized that there was no way I could continue in Spanish if I didn't improve- and my classes weren't helping. I'd hit a plateau, and my goal being a Spanish major was a very daunting indeed.

Now that the service aspect of my experience has closed, I can look back and know that my project was really about just spending time with the people and exposing them to another gringo with ideas little/ or a lot different from the last. I just wish I could have calmed down and stopped worrying long enough to acknowledge that before it was practically over at 6 weeks. Ican't say I've learned or clarified who I am or what I want to be when I grow up any but now I have a new sense of confusion about the future that is much, much more aware of all of the worlds (third, developing and developed) and people on this earth. So even though it is confusion it is a good place to be- at least for me.

I hope this clarifies my evaluations and is useful in your final write up.

Molly

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So now you all know more about my relflections than I probably ever would have shared with you in a polite conversation; I hope you all can apperciate my honesty about my experience. I don´t want people to glamorize the concept of studying abroad ; I think I did with out realizing it and I faced a reality check like no other. Anyways- I´ll quit my babbling :)

¡Nos Vemos!