A month later

time to REFLECT...

For those of you who are e-mailing me, or posting comments I really do appreciate the responses you’ve been sending. Constructive criticism is something I value, and the perspective of looking in through this window ( my blog) from the outside it would be easier for you readers to detect patterns in my behavior that, perhaps, I’m not aware of. With that said.  I am so much happier and comfortable than I had been. 

I think the 2^nd two weeks were the hardest because I was realizing my own personal limits and frustrated by my inability to ignore  and overcome them.  I’d been trying to be more chill than I am and  by doing that- I became even more tense about the things going on. This past Thursday was the first night I slept 8 hours in a month.  I think I have worse sleeping habits in the States, but I’m also not functioning in a foreign language…and here naps are simply impossible. I feel like the mental energy it takes to be alert and actively learning is nearly as exhausting as crew. 

There is also the emotional aspect. My not sleeping and feeling lonely affects my overall health. So basically I was just turning into a mess, a bigger mess than I was before I left... haha…Aye que disaster soy yo… my host brother says “una disaster linda…”  like the Kelley Clarkson song…. He’s funny. 

From my point of view, another part of what made my frustration so difficult is that I was comparing who I was, and my program from last fall to who I am and my program this fall. I never felt homesickness in Costa Rica or Nicaragua the way I did here and I certainly never felt isolated, bored, yes, but never lonely. I disliked that I was having a harder time on round 2 than I'd had before. It made me feel as if I were digressing. I do recognize the importance of taking a step back an evaluating one's self, however. The same day I found myself crying in Claudia's office about being tired and not wanting to cause problems, but needing a change... I wrote to a friend of mine and mentioned that perhaps this break down was in fact a breakthrough... and it seems to be the case, I am happy to say. 

Perhaps, the best thing I could have done was join the choir, and from there I became much more okay with being self-reliant. And, dance lessons. If you are planning on traveling abroad, look up local places ahead of time that way you'll know about them from day 1. It might save you a bit of grief.  With that said, I'm not sure I would have been ready to put myself out there and go somewhere alone, not to mention those first two weeks Julia and I really were busy running all over the city. So, looking back that internal struggle was indeed an opportunity to grow, however; I also think that for another person (perhaps with less of an internal dialogue) those two weeks could affect the self-perception of that person for the duration of their trip. I certainly felt as if I were automatically changed because the words I was limited to using were also changed. For me, my ability to express what I think with words is my ability to share with others who I am. I always felt unsatisfied with the words I had to choose from, and while this yearning for more words is motivational for me it could be debilitating for others.  To feel trapped by ones' own vocabulary certainly isn't the worst thing to happen, all you have to do is learn more words but to feel trapped for too long, can certainly make a person feel like they might as well not try... which is the same as exiting the experience mentally or giving up.  Something similar to a form of imprisonment with in ones own mind. Like the voice that yells "I AM NOT AS STUPID AS I SOUND" and the red faced embarrassment that comes from saying pato ( duck) instead of plato (plate) or for those who've had to learn english... chicken instead of kitchen... In this moment the realization that you have a choice between laughing & crying, wanting to do both and suddenly feeling humbled because this is what you're here for. I joke that I left my pride in the USA, because if I were worried about losing it I should not have even begun learning a foreign language. Lucky Me, I blush so easily; I just have to laugh.

I'm now past the part of planning activities and am now participating... this has made the world of difference. Choir, Dance lessons are my connection to Argentina. Luckily I have also realized the equal importance of the lessons I can learn from my fellow foreign students who are studying here, whether they be American, Korean, British or Swiss.  I was just so focused, and so set on improvement that I was willing to reject opportunities simply because they were in english... I lost a sense of balance... I needed a for real' chill pill.

Isn't it ironic that my personal struggle in Nicaragua was learning to slow down, and here I struggle with getting up to speed? I'm not good at being the solemn rushed city slicker... fortunately I'm back to being the obvious foreigner simply because I am smiling as I walk down the street.  Oh life...