Random thoughts.

Leaving the apartment is probably the hardest part of the day.  Just getting motivated to step out side. The elevator: seven stories down, open the gate, open the door, close the gate close, the door fives steps later unlock the building door. Deep breathe. Step out side, immediately turn left as to avoid Juan, the building caretaker, a rather unpleasant fellow who either speaks to me in broken mocking English or mimes what he wishes to articulate to me with a defiant ‘I will not speak Spanish with you’ attitude.

 I walk down the street, rushing, and not necessarily because I am in a hurry, but because I simply don’t want to wait at each crosswalk.  Impatience is contagious here.  Not to mention if I didn’t think I was in a hurry when I left, I might realize I should have been because for some reason there are just so many people walking the same path as me it simply takes longer to get to the subway 3 blocks down Av. Santa Fe. What might normally take me 7 minutes takes 14, and those extra 7 minutes might mean I barley miss the train and have to wait 10 for the next one. On days with out delays that’s not a big deal, but when I see the sign that says “LINEA D CON DEMORAS”…I kick myself, I should have rushed even though I left the same time I always do. I have a moment, my blood rushes to my face, my cheeks burn, and my heart drums faster. In my mind I scream, “ I HATE THIS” and then...  I move on. 5 minutes later the train slides up, still flushed I  push my way onto the train, for a moment I can relax, at least I’m on my way. This has been my reality the past three days. When I see the train lights approaching in the tunnel, I take a deep breath wondering if there will be enough room for me, hoping that the people I will inevitably be smashed between remembered their deodorant.  I’m trying to chill and not care - except I’ve been late to almost every meeting I’ve had the past three days, and its not like I’m leaving later or wasting my time, things have simply been moving slower, everything except for my watch. 

            I’ve also been feeling disjointed in my schedule and a little disappointed with this month.  The problem is I like my activities for the most part, but I need there to be more hours in the day. I was hoping to have time to join a gym this month, or at least go to dance lessons more regularly at a community center 10 blocks away, but it turns out I’ve had to cut that from my schedule completely. In theory, we were supposed to have more time this month, but things don’t always work out how they look on paper. 

I’m still singing in the choir on Wednesdays and Fridays and I’m volunteering on Tuesdays and Thursdays (which is exhausting and I feel like I’m in the way, plus it’s a 2.5 hour round trip, but yeah…) So I have things to do. Some of them things I like… so I suppose there is a balance. I have to admit I feel kind of bullied into volunteering. I mean, I don’t want to sound like I’m anti- volunteering, for those of you who know me that was the reason I chose ICADS; I didn’t want to be another ignorant- parasitic tourist.  So here I am in Buenos Aires, not being ignorant but instead becoming one of those volunteers I disliked in Nicaragua and Costa Rica. Let me explain:

To come to a country with good intentions, with the desire to help is respectable, however to stay for less than a month is foolish. It takes time to gain trust and feel like you know whats going on in the program you are volunteering for, now if the program has tasks like filing or computer stuff, that is easy, but when you have to build relationships in short periods of time, it is extremely difficult. In CR and Nica, I saw volunteers coming and going but they weren't actually doing anything- they were skimming the surface and creating another form of variability for the people they were working with. Short stay volunteers made the trust, train, and task completion cycle exhausting .  In Beccar I’m basically supposed to be entertaining a group of boys ages 8-14. I’m supposed to be finding something more productive for them to be doing. Well, yesterday we colored and played word games for an hour and a half, but I’m at the center for 3 hours nearly… and I’m new, AND I’m leaving! My 'moment' ( aka. month) volunteering in Beccar is fleeting, Tuesdays and Thursdays for a month, that is a silver award project I would scoff at.  The kids have very little motivation to invest their time and respect in me.  I enjoy hanging out with the kids but I feel guilty that I can’t do more and that I’m not more helpful. I’m also frustrated that the 5.5 hours every Tues/ Thurs I spend is adding up to a lot of time I just feel bad about- and then I feel guilty for not wanting to volunteer. I tell my self ifs only two days a week for a month, and then I realize I only have five weeks left in Buenos Aires and seven in Latin America.  I don’t want to disappoint anyone but I feel like I am disappointing myself.

With that said I am trying to use my time in Beccar productively for my own purposes as I’m incorporating the Center into my research project.  I’m using some of the photos taken by the students in their photography workshop, as well as CD from the band that is based out of their studio for my project on Identity.  So I am being proactive and trying to take advantage of every experience, even if I’m feeling conflicted.

I just feel like there are to many things that weren’t explicit.  Too many things that were changed with out being told and too many people that were trying to come up with interesting complex tasks that simply became a bombardment of things I feel obligated to finish with out being able to enjoy them. I’d like to be able to focus, but I’d also like to be able to dabble in the huge amount of fun things to do here. I just don’t have time, I feel like I'm missing out.