I was being metaphorical.

Reflection… but I figured I’d share… Happier Blogs to come… but today it is raining, and I am a tired gray.

I feel like I am breaking.  Why?  I simply feel as if I am not capable of getting everything done. Then list of things that I should be doing right now so long I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know where the beginning is; perhaps August 21st. 

I feel lost. I know where I am and I know why. I am happy to be here but I’m done. I feel like I need to walk away. Not because I want to, but because I can’t please everyone. Who am I disappointing?

Pieces of my self are being torn from me, gently. Somehow, I can’t feel it but I know it hurts. I ache. And what for? Why am I so dissatisfied?

I would like to sing, I would like to scream, or whisper but my voice is mute, I have no language with which to express myself. Or, is it the other way around? Can’t they hear me?  How do I share who I am?

I could slam doors, or jump or transform into something loud and bright…but they would become numb, and blind, and I would be invisible. 

I could cry silent tears and explain how I feel and they would scoff and ask the experts if this is normal.  How do I convince them I am not just another soul far from home.  A lack of understanding in all directions has changed how I perceive the experience that is present.  Where is the disconnect?  My best is not good enough. 

My words are simply words- empty shells that once, perhaps before they were spoken or written, or even thought, held a feeling, a meaning that needed to be expressed.  But ,with words the expression is trapped, constrained by connotations and interpretations imposed upon it that everyone else gets to decide upon.  A word does not get to speak for its self, its power is held by those who read it. And, my words are powerless, not because those who read them are not powerful, but because they understand them to be unimportant because of who has written them. What value do they see in me? Am I not worth being taken seriously? 

Is my time not as important as theirs?

 Apathy… I wish I could reach that point… but I will always care too much, and it makes me sick.  

In fact, I’ve gotten sick more this semester than I usually do in a year.  Clearly something is not quite right.  

Ugh… ICADS is so much better.

 With all that said, I want to share a piece of a conversation I had with a friend… they are getting ready to go abroad, and they asked me this:

 “so tell me, has the novelty of studying down there worn off?”

And I replied, 

“no, in reality I was trying to decide if I wanted to tell you this, but I’m feeling super disappointed and kind of jealous of you.  I wish I were back in that moment of enthusiasm and excitement over all the amazing possibilities. The truth is I feel very trapped. And while I want to stay because I really like living here; I needed to be studying with other students. I needed something different I'm so glad I came and I don't feel like I’ve wasted my time however, I feel like the only way to feel better about this experience is to come home and reflect once I'm not here…”

 I think the most important line is the last one. While I am here, I will continue to feel guilty, and devalued. I need to not be here, and not be an active participant before I will be able to see if they have truly listened to anything Julia and I have offered.  In reality, I am scared to go home and find deaf ears there too. I am feeling quite dis-heartened.  I think small individual classes are wonderful, something that students do not usually have access to, but I think I needed to be in perhaps fewer classes with actual argentine students… I think the bottom line is that I’m not going to complete everything I need to get done to receive credit. I simply don’t see it happening.  I don’t want to make them angry or think that I am lazy but I can feel my stomach turning and my eyes watering and my self esteem plummets, and I wish I were better than this.  I can’t get it all done. I feel like a failure because I feel like I do so much more at St. Mary’s than what they are asking for here, I just came back from a week of vacation and instead of feeling re-energized and re-enthused I am dreading these coming weeks. 

 

  

p.s. it is not actually raining, I was being metaphorical.